Today is 아빠’s birthday.
On June 30, 1960, at 10 o’clock in the morning, 고승현 was born on a hot, humid day, right before 삼복, the hottest days of the summer in Korea, in 경기도 평택시. He was born the 막내 of four. He was his 엄마’s favorite.
He would have turned 66 today.
His last living birthday was three years ago.
He died 88 days after his 63rd birthday.
This is our family’s first time celebrating 아빠’s birthday split apart like this — two of us in Korea, two of us in the U.S., and one of us the sky. Since his death, our grief has been heavy around his birthday, but it’s heavy in a different way today.
I wrote a letter for 아빠, to 아빠, to remember his birthday. I wrote the English translation and included it below the original letter.
Thank you for remembering this day with me. Thank you for your witness.
With love,
Jieun
우리 하나밖에 없는 아빠에게,
아빠, 생일 축하해.
66년 전에 태어나 줘서 고맙고,
우리 아빠가 되어 줘서 고마워.
오늘 아빠가 아직도 우리랑 이 세상에 있었으면, 66살이 됐을 거야.
만약에 66살이 될 기회가 있었다면 어떤 모습이었을까?
흰머리가 더 있었었을까?
얼굴에 주름이 더 많았었을까?
힘이 아직도 넘치고 넘쳐 썼을까?
아빠는 63살 되고 이 세상을 떠났어.
어떻게 3년이 지났지?
3년 동안에 우리는 아빠 생일이 돌아올 때마다
아빠의 케익 위에 얹진촛불을 매년마다 후 불어졌고,
생일 노래를 아빠를 생각하면서 불러줬어.
봤어? 들었어?
우리가 보여? 우리가 들여?
마음이 깨지면서 노래를 불렀고,
마음이 무너지면서 촛불을 불었어.
아빠 너무 일찍갔다.
아빠 너무 보고 싶다.
아빠 생일이 돌아올때마다 마음이 무거워져.
후회가 막 떠오르고,
마음 아픈 기억들도 막 떠올라.
아빠의 마지막 생일의 기억들도 막 떠오르고,
아빠 위해서 못해준 것들이 막 떠올라.
이 세상을 떠나면 후회들이 다 없어지나?
오늘은 엄마랑 감자랑 나는 미국에 있고, 그랙 하고 해준이는 한국에 있어.
그랙 하고 해준이는 파리바게뜨에 케익을사고 레인즈에 골프공도 쳤어.
아빠, 해준이가 골프를 많이 좋아한다.
레인즈에 사람들 공치는거 구경하고,
골프채 들고,
조용히 보고 있었대.
집에 와서 화상 통화로 다 같이 생일 노래 불렀고
해준이랑 그랙은 촛불 불고
해준이랑 그랙이 케익도 먹었어.
미국에서는 엄마랑 오크마를 갈 거고,
케익 사서 촛불 피우고,
그랙랑 해준이랑 화상 통화로 노래도 부르고,
케익도 먹을 거야.
오늘이 너무 힘들어.
6월 30일이 너무 힘들어.
우리 가족이 떨어져 사는 것도 힘들고,
아빠가 우리 곁에 없는 것도 힘들어.
아빠한테 얘기 못한 것도 너무 많고,
아빠한테 물어 보지 못 하는 것도 너무 많아.
아빠를 위해 해주고 싶은 거는 수백 개 넘고,
아빠한테 얘기 하고 싶은 것도 수백 개 넘어.
어떤 때는 아빠가 바로 옆에 있는 느낌이고,
어떤 때는 아빠가 너무 먼 기분이야.
아빠의 웃는 모습이 너무 그립고,
아빠의 웃는 소리가 너무 그리워.
아빠 품에 좀 더 오래 있었으면…
아빠 손을 더 자주 잡았으면…
사람이 돌아 가면은
그 사람을 다시는 못 보는 게
너무 가슴이 아퍼.
미국에서는
사랑이 갈 때가 없는게
사랑하는 사람을 보낸 슬픔 이래.
아빠를 보내고 나선
사랑을 줄 수 있는데를 늘 찾아 다녀.
사랑을 주시는데를 계속 찾아 다닐 게.
아빠, 생일 축하해.
다음 생에 다시 태어나도,
아빠 딸로 태어날 거야.
아빠 하나밖에 없는 딸 지은이가
To my one and only 아빠,
아빠, happy birthday.
Thank you for being born 66 years ago,
and thank you for being my 아빠.
If you were still in this world with us today, you would have turned 66.
If you had had the opportunity to turn 66, what would you have looked like?
Would you have had more gray hair?
Would your face have had more wrinkles?
Would your energy still have been overflowing?
You left this world at 63 years old.
How have three years passed by?
Over the past three years, every time your birthday has come around,
we blow out the candles we put on your cake,
and we sing happy birthday while we think of you.
Did you see us? Did you hear us?
Can you see us? Can you hear us?
As our hearts shattered, we sang for you,
As our hearts fell apart, we blew out your candles.
아빠, you left too soon.
아빠, I miss you so much.
Whenever your birthday comes back around, my heart becomes heavy.
All of my regrets start coming up,
All of my heartbreaking memories start coming up,
All of my memories of your last birthday start coming up,
All of the things I never got to do for you start coming up.
When you leave this world, do all of your regrets disappear?
Today, 엄마, 감자, and I are in the U.S.,
and Greg and Haejoon are in Korea.
Greg and Haejoon bought a cake at Paris Baguette and hit golfballs at the range.
아빠, Haejoon really likes golf.
He observed the people hitting balls at the range,
He held a golf club in his hand,
And he watched quietly.
They went home and, on video call,
we sang happy birthday together,
Haejoon and Greg blew out the candles,
and Haejoon and Greg ate the cake.
In America, 엄마 and I are going to go to Oak Marr,
We’re going to buy a cake and light the candles,
and with Greg and Haejoon on video call,
we are going to sing happy birthday to you and eat cake.
Today is too hard.
June 30 is too hard.
Living with our family split apart is too hard,
living without you in our presence is too hard.
I have so many things I never got to tell you,
I have so many things I never got to ask you.
I have hundreds of things I still want to do for you,
I have hundreds of things I still want to tell you.
At times, you feel like you’re right next to me,
at other times, you feel so far away.
I miss the image of your laughter,
I miss the sound of your laughter.
If only I had stayed longer in your embrace…
If only I had held your hand more often…
When a person passes away,
The reality that I can never see that person again
shatters my heart.
In America,
when love has nowhere to go,
they call it grief —
the sadness of sending away someone you love.
After I sent you away,
I keep looking for places to give my love.
I will keep looking for places to give my love.
아빠, happy birthday.
When I come back in my next life,
I’m still coming into this world as your daughter.
With love,
Your one and only daughter, Jieun